April 07, 2014

emotions

  I want to say I've been super productive these last few weeks.  I want to say that we've settled into the school time routine again.  I want to say that I can't believe that fall is almost here.  I want to say I've been having some really smooth sailing days and  I feel like a hundred bucks and my family is fine.  I really do want to say all of those things.  And while I can maybe say I've accomplished a few things, I really can't say I've actually accomplished or believe any of those things 100 percent.  I know things don't always go as planned but some things are harder to let go and/or accept than others. 
  Life for me really has drastically changed over the last year.  The control I once had for keeping my life in order has really slipped away from me and that has been the hardest change to accept.  Control over my physical body, emotional well being, my attitude, my world.  Everything, even at its most chaotic, still fit right where is was supposed to.  I've never been one for overly emotional outburst, happy or sad, and that fit right in.  It isn't that I didn't care, believe, love, disagree, feel passionately about, or whatever.  It was just that I had a very tight reign on my emotional cache.  It was something I could always control and liked to put on a strong front no matter the situation.  I'm all for emotion and touching and loving in its place.  But it was a hug when needed, an ear for listening, a holding hand, a conspirator smile, a wicked gleam in the eye that fit the situation and the strong raw emotions were saved for another time.  I wasn't cold and unfeeling, just not publicly overly emotional.  My heart could be singing or screaming depending on the moment but my tears were kept in check.  My resolve strong.  Save it for the pillows or the man who took me on for better or worse and let him console me in the way that only a soul mate can.  One who understands the tears of joy and pain were not shed lightly and would let me bare my heart and love me the same.
  Where am I heading here, what's my point?  Ever since this head of mine has started to give me trouble I found that I was slowly loosing my grip on my emotions.  Little insignificant things were starting to make me cry.  Out of the blue many times surprising not just me but those around me as well.  I have this amazing friend who is a big softie.  He has the biggest heart.  He teaches kids with the patience of a saint!  Ever since we have really connected and become friends we've had a sort of running joke.  We were perfectly suited as friends because he wore his emotions on his sleeve and mine were MIA.  We tease each other about how we will rub off on one another eventually and balance our personalities so we both have the right balance of emotion and will.  He's going to soften me up and I'll toughen him up.  He's got a very quick wit and a sense of humor that fits right in with mine.  I love listening to him teach and joke with his kids because it's so much to hear.  He always brightens my day and when he sees me struggle he has a kind word or the needed hug or pat on the back to remind me that things will change.  He's been such a help in helping me sort my feelings as he has suffered from his own private hell of depression for years.  He was luckier than most for he has an incredible wife who supports him, loves him, holds him, and pushes him as needed.  He sought the help he needed and is now one of the biggest supporters I know in suicide prevention and depression.  He says every day is not perfect and at times he still struggles but he knows that help is never far when he needs it and has taught me that it is okay to be sad and feel miserable. 
  I know I'm rambling on and it can be so hard to focus on my thoughts these days.  I guess my whole point is that I've come to realize that I am extremely luckily and super thankful for all the unending support and love I have in my life.  There are people who truly care about me and my well being and that is a huge and wonderful feeling.  Not everyone is as blessed as I am.



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